I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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