Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
