We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
