i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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