im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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