Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize