I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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