That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
