Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
