Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
