I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
