its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
