remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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