i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
