the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
