Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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