she woke up with a sticky ear
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need a beard to bite.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
