She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm like, not good at living.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
