I think I won the penis lottery.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
