My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You took a bar mat shot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
