Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
