cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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