why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
