i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
