dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
