is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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