Cold hands, warm shart.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
