guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
