Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
