I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
