you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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