thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
