Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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