My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
