meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
