I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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