We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
