Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
