dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
