if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
