there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
