Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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