even my farts smell like vagina
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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