If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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