I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need moral support for this bender
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
