i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
