its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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