The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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