I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
