I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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