Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
