when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
