overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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