Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
