It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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