Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
