For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I wish there were birth control emojis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
