Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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