every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
