ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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