Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
