Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
